FR POINT Most people would refer to someone's life as an open book, but my friends refer to me as "an open novel, still in progress of writing" and it's very true. For starters, I have MANY MANY hobbies that include growing up on a ranch in CA and rodeoing, showing cattle and sheep in 4H, painting and sketching, writing novels, shooting/hunting rifles and archery, playing the piano, guitar, trumpet, and hopefully someday the violin, plus I absolutely LOVE science, history, and math!!! I often dream of becoming a professional pianist, and traveling all over the world to ancient ruins such as Machu Pichhu, the Spinx, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, etc. I love hanging out with my friends and having a good time with my family, whether it's at a party, or just hanging out somewhere.

Then there's the more exclusive details of my life such as all the stress and things that I have been through. I am currently 16, but 4 years ago in 6th grade, I was forced to say goodbye to all of my best friends for life. (Where I live, 6th grade is still considered elementary). First of all, I was NOT the person I am today, back then. I was a complete w. e. i. r. d. o, and had way too much energy. I was the a. n. n. o. y. i. n. g. kid in class that no one ever wanted to be around because they never s. h. u. t. u. p. and just g. r. o. s. s. e. d. everyone out. Well anyways, my mom taught, and still teaches 3rd grade there, and on the last day of school, she pulled me out of class early because she had to get milk and stuff from the store. I begged her to let me stay for a few more minutes but she wouldn't listen. She even made me walk in front of her out the door, so I couldn't even look over my shoulder and see my friends' faces for the last time.

Now, I am an amazing person, or so that's what my rodeo friends say about me. I am compassionate, caring, smart, funny, and overall just a really really good friend. People say that I am the person that everyone comes to when they need someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on, or just to flat out hang out with. I am everything that I wasn't in 6th grade, and what hurts the most is that my long-lost besties from school don't even know who I am or how I've changed, and honestly they probably completely forgot I even exist and have probably moved on years ago, meanwhile, I'm still over here literally crying myself to sleep every single night, dreaming about them daily, wondering, praying that I'll see them again someday.

That's not even half of my emotions I feel for them and everything else. I can't even tell you how much stress and depression and anxiety I have gone/going through in the past 4 years. Right now I feel like I have a bipolar disorder for all the texts and conversations I have had with my one true BFF, because a couple of weeks ago I sent her a text threatening to literally beat her to death in a fistfight, then I told her I couldn't live without her, then I told her about panic attacks I've had just thinking about if I ever lost her, and just the other day I got in an argument with her over something so little and meaningless. (There's a LOT more to that whole story but I don't have room to explain all of it)

Oh, and I forgot to mention, I am suicidal, or used to be, or, well, let's just say I used to think I wanted to die because I enjoy physical pain, but then I recently discovered that I don't want to die, so now I am literally traumatized of dying and even though I'm only 16, I act like I'm 80 and could die any moment, because I can. No one knows when they're gonna die so I spend every day expressing how I feel about everything and everyone, just in case I were to suddenly drop dead for some freak-show reason. I'm also traumatized by any type of flame or fire, (long story short, my brother burnt me with a match and I have many dreams of losing one of my best friends in a burning building along with other things that have caused me to be terrified by fire) so now I am never cold because I have learned to adapt to the cooler weather due to my "restraining order" against fire/flame. I'm also traumatized by cops, and a couple of other things.

There is a WHOLE LOT MORE to my life than that with waaa more detail, but yeah. That's my very dramatic, very difficult and confusing life summary.