English, 17.09.2019 22:20 sajawalkhan148

Just proofread my paragraphs. i just want to see if it is good. provide real feedback. don't just say its good or something.
look for this in my paragraphs
1. paragraph three should discuss the dystopian aspects with evidence from the text.
2. finally, paragraph four should discuss your thoughts on what bradbury is trying to say about the use of technology in the future, and make a prediction on whether or not you believe that technology will play a role in the downfall of montag’s society. conclude the essay with a final idea on the concepts.
i know my other paragraphs are missing but they were already proofread
hidden in this crazy utopia lies a dark hidden dystopia. once montage met his friend clarrise, she opens his mind to how cruel this society is. montage also notices how careless his wife mildred is. mildred states "the keys to the beetle are on the night table. i always like to drive fast when i feel that way. you get it up around ninety-five and you feel wonderful. sometimes i drive all night and come back and you don’t know it. it’s fun out in the country. you hit rabbits, sometimes you hit dogs. go take the beetle” (bradbury ). this shows how mildred is careless and unethical about how she kills animals at ninety to one hundred miles per hour. not only mildred is reckless but other people. montag's friend clarrise died by getting run over, and know thought anything about it.
to conclude, the use of technology that ray bradbury uses in the novel plays a huge role in the society. technology is what entertains all the citizens where montag lives. assuming that tv has government propaganda, people are practically brainwashed to keep them occupied so no one asks questions, so everyone is the same. montag’s wife milidered is watching tv all the time and not doing anything productive. soon i believe other people's curiosity is going to start to spread using the technology and why they can’t have books. the novel fahrenheit 451 by ray bradbury can be considered a utopia and a dystopia using different situations montag faces.

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In paragraph one, the first two sentences are great! Just put a semi colon before she. In the third sentence where you put a period to start the fourth sentence, just eliminate that. It’s not necessary. Instead, combine both sentences because a period would make the idea less clear.

Ex: “... Mildred is and she even states in the story:”

In the fifth sentence of the first paragraph eliminate the period after the parenthesis (Bradbury) When you cite something and insert a parenthesis the parenthesis does the same job as a period would do. Even though it does not count as a new sentence it’s sometimes necessary to capitalize the words after the parenthesis so your work can seem more professional.

In the sixth sentence I would suggest being a bit more descriptive. Use words like “Mildred has a sinister nature by being unethical and careless with...” The seventh sentence I find it a bit unclear. Also, in my opinion you should put “Not only is Mildred...”

On the 8th sentence use a transition word to put the sentences more in order. I would suggest using “then” to make the writing more clear and connected. In sentence 9 eliminate the comma before and; like so your writing will be more readable.

On the second paragraph the first two sentences are perfect! They don’t need any changes. The third sentence though has thoughts that are a bit unclear, “Assuming that tv has government propaganda...” that’s good “people are practically brainwashed” the idea here has become a bit wavy. You should put instead “...government has the power to keep them brainwashed” doing it like this would make more sense. But, it really depends on what you want to convey in your writing. Now, “to keep them occupied so no one asks questions, so everyone is the same” you could make this into another sentence and say: “This keeps them occupied...” The fourth sentence is spot on! And the fifth sentence is pretty good but I’d consider you add more active descriptions.

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