"Dear Sir," please replace "Sir" with the last name of the person you are emailing. (ex. Mr.Ramsay)"I am writing to offer suggestions that could be amalgamated to make a school time slot for the students sprightlier" consider replacing these two words, as they do not flow well."preparation for annual examinations of school in next month has made students overloaded with coursework and assignments to get good grades" replace the underlined words with 'finals'. delete the italicized words. replaces what is emboldened with 'is making students feel overwhelmed'. replace "get" with 'to maintain'."As students..." this sentence needs to be completely redone, I would replace it by saying 'As students attempt to maintain a proper work-life balance, they must have an outlet for fun in order to refresh their minds.' delete the 'Also, incessant...' sentence, you can replace it by saying 'Over testing in the classroom is one of the many things contributing to higher levels of stress for students, thus making the need for an outlet even greater.'"My first suggestion..." this sentence is fine. "This will permit.." replace "games" with 'sports' as they sound more productive. "Another possibility is to make the clubs and societies like Poetry recitation, Movie making, and The Art." rephrase this by saying 'My next suggestion is to create clubs for poetry, film, and art.' this eliminates the issues of improper capitalizations and grammar."This will provide..." rephrase this by saying 'This will give students a wider variety of positive activities to take part in as they would like.' "The other suggestion..." the only thing I would change about those sentence is the beginning, consider saying 'My final suggestion is...' instead."This medium will provide ample opportunity for students to learn to design virtual gaming zones and websites." consider rephrasing the underlined part of this sentence. Instead of using the term "gaming" we should use something that sounds more productive to the school official that will be reading this. Consider cutting it down to '...learn how to design and code websites and other activities' "Furthermore" delete this sentence, or rephrase it to not include "controversial topics" "These series of programs will..." this sentence needs to be rephrased. consider saying 'By implementing these programs the student would enjoy coming to school due to having more ways to express themselves.'"Their attitudes towards..." replace the semicolon with a period. Replace "Vigilant" with 'Alert'"Furthermore..." delete furthermore, replace "games" with 'sports' replace "will make the gradient for University applications acceptances steeper" with 'will help make the students more college ready.' "Consequently..." instead, consider saying 'The debate team mentioned above will help students present their ideas more confidently.'
These are all of the obvious things that I noticed! I hope this helped :) feel free to comment if you have any questions.
