PRACTICING WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED A. The draft of the student essay below has been annotated by its own
writer according to some—but not all-of the questions presented in this
chapter's discussion of revision. As you read the draft and the writer's mar-
ginal comments, think of specific suggestions you might offer to help this
writer improve her essay. What other changes, in addition to the ones men-

tioned here, would you encourage this writer to make? What strengths do
you see in this draft?
My title and
lead-in are too bland to
attract reader's attention.
Would my
thesis be
clearer if I
said what
I did find?
My supporting
examples
could use
more
"showing"
details 30
the readers
can really
unfriendliness.
This paragraph
has some
specific
details
but it rambles
and repeats
ideas. Needs
tighter
organization.
DORM LIFE
Dorm life is not at all what I had expected it to be. I had an-
ticipated meeting friendly people, quiet hours for studying, eat-
ing decent food, and having wild parties on weekends. My dreams,
I soon found out, were simply illusions, erroneous perceptions of
reality
My roommate, Kathy, and I Holland Hall on the third
floor. The people on our dorm floor are about as unfriendly as they
can possibly be. I wonder whether or not they're just shy and afraid
or if they are simply snobs. Some girls, for example, ignore my
roommate and me when we say "hello." Occasionally, they stare
straight ahead and act like we aren't even there. Other girls re-
spond, but it's as if they do it out of a sense of duty rather than
being just friendly. The guys seem nice, but some are just as afraid
or snobby as the girls.
I remember signing up for "quiet hours" when I put in my
application for a dorm room last December. Unfortunately, I was
assigned to a floor that doesn't have any quiet hours at all. I am a
person who requires peace and quiet when studying or reading.
The girls in all the rooms around us love to stay up until early in
the morning and yell and turn up their music full blast. They turn
music on at about eight o'clock at night and turn it off early in
the morning. There is always at least one girl who has music
playing at maximum volume. Now, I am very appreciative of
music, but listening to "hard rock" until three in the morning isn't
really my idea of what music is. The girls right across from
contradicts my point
see the