Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them. I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.

Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!

"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive.

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.